who are you on the boat?

As I've been reading lately all these really awesome stories about heroic people in the Bible who did incredible things because of the living power of Jesus Christ, a question has been resonating in my spirit.  "Laura, who are you on the boat?"  Well that's so easy and I'm glad you asked!!!!!  NOT.  As I've been pondering this question, I've been realizing that I have no idea who I am on the boat.  Am I Peter in Matthew 14?  He had some insecurities, but when push came to shove he stepped over the ledge and walked to Jesus on the water.  Am I one of the disciples in Mark 4?  They had really great intentions, but when the pressure was high, they threw out their intentions and were consumed by fear.  I want to be Peter, but I think I'm closer to being one of those disciples. 

When life brings on the pressure and the bad news outweighs the good news, are you Peter?  Am I Peter?  When you're faced with the reality that the "C word" has invaded your family and is rampaging against the people you love the most, do you stand in victory or seize up in fear?  Right now, I want to tell you that I'm good, I'm standing in victory, I'm believing the best, I'm interceding and pursuing the right things.  But I have to tell you this:  I hate cancer.  It's scary and unpredictable.  I hate that it's affecting people that I love more than anything.  I believe that the power of Jesus is bigger than the realities of the world and I know that regardless of the outcomes of my days, I can and will still praise the Lord because He's still good.  I'm just telling you that I wish I knew with more certainty who I was on the boat.  I wish I could run to my family and shift their fear into praise and turn their hardened hearts into new hearts eager to seek after the goodness of God.  I feel like Peter during the part of the story where he looks down and realizes that he's on the water and immediately begins to sink because he shifted his focus.  My eyes went from Jesus ahead to water below.

Here's the thing:  Before Peter looked down, before he even stepped out, he cried out with boldness to Jesus and asked for the miracle.  Halfway through the miracle, he doubted, but the point is that he asked first.  When we want to see things happen, regardless of our fear, we have to ask for those things to happen.  If Peter wouldn't have asked, he may have never known in that same way of his grave need for Jesus.  If the Lord hadn't designed our lives to encounter circumstances where the pressure rises, we may never have the opportunity to realize fully just how much we need a savior.  I'm thankful for the pressure, not for the actual specifics of the circumstances, but for the pressure that calls out my fear and forces it to turn into faith.     

The great thing about this story is that Jesus reached down and grabbed Peter and pulled him up before he sunk all the way in above his head.  Water might be below and I might be heavier than water, but Jesus makes the call and he's grabbing my arms before I lose the battle to the water.  I'm trying to shift my paradigm from world fearing to God fearing.  Jesus died for my fear.  I'm trying to be able to say with certainty that even though I'm aware of the water below, my eyes will forever stay fixed on Jesus ahead.  I'm trying to embody a life of joy from the minute I wake up to the minute I fall asleep because even though my circumstances are overwhelming, my heart is full of the everlasting and sustaining love of the Lord.  And I believe it can happen.  The Bible doesn't say how Peter felt after Jesus picked him up out of the water, but I'd be willing to bet that he felt overwhelmed.  If I could guess at the thoughts in his mind, I would guess that even though his flesh would be casting out feelings of shame for looking down, that his joy filled heart felt relief at the tangible work of the savior of the world. 

I said earlier that I didn't know who I was on the boat, but as the pressures rise, I just want to be Peter.  My flesh might fail me, but I need a savior, and He won't ever fail me.  Water below, but eyes ahead on Jesus.  Pray for my family, friends.